Ballykissangel. Live. Sort of.

Not long to go now until the long-awaited (since this morning) blogging event of the, er, day (possibly) which is the LIVE blog of a random episode of an 11-year-old episode of Ballykissangel.

I should probably have thought this through.

Still, no backing out now. There are people waiting for this.

Ok, there aren't. But it's a quiet work day. And it's a good writing exercise. And I've said I'll do it now. Rats.

14.03: Gossip is about to take over in Ballykissangel, according to the ITV announcer.

14.07: Oops. Missed a bit when I went to put the kettle on. A bloke (Irish accent) argued with a woman. She drove off. Credits.

14.08: The pub is for sale! A priest (not Stephen Tompkinson) did not know this.

14.10: Oh no. That bloke's daughter is moving to Dublin.

14.12: Ok, the first two were father and daughter. And so were the second two. Oh, did I mention them? After the first father and daughter argued and she drove off (to live with someone's uncle), a second father and daughter argued. She's the one moving to Dublin. Clear? I'm pretty sure she won't go, to be honest. Just call me psychic.

14:17: Missed a bit more, making the tea. Break now, for some truly crappy adverts.

14.19: And we're back. Sponsored by Ovaltine. That says a lot. Girl has found old dress in a chest. The nephew is pissed off with her for rooting around in other people's belongings, the nosey bitch.

14.22: Where the hell is Stephen Tompkinson? Is he not in it any more?

14.25: He bloody isn't. I just looked on Wiki. He left after series 3, the miserable git. But - that's Colin Farrell! I didn't have a clue Colin Farrell was in Ballykissangel. I bet I'm the only person in the world not to know this.

14.30: Commercial break. So, Colin Farrell is the nephew and his name is Danny. The girl who argued with her father at the start was the one who found the dress. They've had an argument and she's buggered off again. Someone offered her a lift somewhere. I missed where. Sorry. Some people have given their opinions that Niamh shouldn't go to live in Dublin. SHE'S NOT GOING TO GO, PEOPLE. Don't the residents of Ballykissangel ever watch Sunday night telly?

14.36: Two people have arrived to look around the pub, separately. The woman was nice. You could tell because she smiled. The man was a bastard. You could tell because he had a beard.

14.39: Did no-one notice that 'Niamh Egan' sounds like 'I'm a vegan' when she introduces herself?

14.40: The girl (Emma) got a lift to someone else's house. She has a blue fireplace. The owner of the house, that is. Apparently, Emma was in Hollyoaks after this. Thanks again Wiki.

14.42: The parish priest is rubbish at accounts. And he's having a crisis of confidence and faith and wondering if he's relevant in the real world (hint: you're not in the real world, this is a TV show). This has to be Stephen Tompkinson's replacement. He's got all the miserable bastard lines.

14.43: Another commercial break? Good God.

14.49: Next morning. Blonde fireplace woman is going out. Ooh, I know who she is now. She was in something else. About a Boy! She was in that. She was the one Hugh Grant lied to. The Irish one, funnily enough. Hollyoaks girl has painted Fireplace Woman's fireplace. Even though Fireplace Woman TOLD her she wanted to do it herself. It's an episode of Jeremy Kyle waiting to happen. A bloke just said "Orla's going to love it", which means "She's going to tear your face off, you interfering cow."

14.53: Where's Ambrose?

14.55: Oh, the bloke who said "Orla's going to love it" was the priest. He was right. He IS shit.

14.56: Yeah, she didn't love it.

14.58: Is Ambrose dead? Nice woman is back, who looked around the pub. She realised she couldn't afford it. Everyone is a bit crap at accounts in this programme.

14.59: Oh, nice woman has 'history' with Whatshisname. Quigley. He's Niamh's father, right? Well if he is, him.

15.00: Some woman saved moaning new priest's bacon on the accounts front by committing fraud. Senior priest aided and abetted. Hm.

15.02: Hollyoaks girl is going to thank Fireplace Woman (surely she means apologise?) by giving her some rusty old shit she found in a field.

15.05: Horrible beardy man isn't buying the pub. He's found a fish farm that's a much better option.

15.06: Fireplace Woman loves the rusty old bits of crap.

15.07: Hollyoaks girl has apologised to her father for being a brat. But whose was the dress in Colin Farrell's uncle's house? Are we going to find out?

15.08: Quigley's rented the pub to nice woman.

THE END.